oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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