That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize