I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
