I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
