My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
