oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
