I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
