i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
