I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize