I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
