I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
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