She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
