things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
