Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
