I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize