I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
