oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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