He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
