There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
