dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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