Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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