So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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