Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
