Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize