There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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