Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize