Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
