we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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