Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
