im having a threesome with these popsicles
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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