I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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