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Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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