He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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