I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
