I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
