I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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