My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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