So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
