Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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