I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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