well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize