New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
