I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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