She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
