Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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