We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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