Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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