Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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