oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
