Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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