So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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