you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
