im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
