I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
