2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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