Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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