yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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