It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
