You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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