Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
