I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
