Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I believe in your delicious
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize