what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize