I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
