I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
