at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
