Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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