Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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