dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
