could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
